Memories....

I had a problem focusing totally on the present today. My heart, emotions and mind were drawn back to a year ago. It was the break in our fast- our fast from the presence of this great love that God has brought into our lives- our son whom we hadn't seen for so long.

One year ago today, we excitedly walked out of the hotel in downtown Krasnoyarsk, jumped into the nice blue van with Serge, Yelena and Marina, and the Dini's, and traveled over the vast melting tundra, in and out of sleepy villages, flying by cars in our lane, narrowly missing on coming vehicles, until we arrived back in the town of Sosnovoborsk. City surrounded by Pines. Driving around the corner, through the gate and up to the Navy ship gray colored building that holds such anticipatory feelings, we all seemed to hold our breath. I was afraid I'd start crying my eyes out if I thought about the fact that I was only a few feet from our son now, instead of 12 time zones. Just beyond that wall... as my eyes took in the building in front of us.

We piled out of the van, and with our hearts racing with anticipation, adrenalin overriding any jet lag we were still feeling, we walked through the doors of baby home #5. It was our first time back through these familiar doors since the end of October, the previous year- and what a feast for our eyes it was!! It was all I could do to hold back and not rush down the hall, up the steps and down the next hall to the music room. That silly commercial for baby back ribs- you know the one with the deep timbered voice saying, "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back." was almost a mantra for me. It was almost funny how that silly saying would echo through my mind.

Today, I just wanted to play with Elisha, basking in the love we now share with each other as a family, remembering when he first entered into the room a year ago.

I got to practice my limited Russian. I remember practicing so much, and finally being able to say, in a very informal way as he entered the room, looking a bit frightened and out of his element- "Hi, Sergey! It's OK. I'm your Mama. This is your Papa." and feel his little arms around me as I held him.

What an amazing feeling to sit there so completely head over heels in love with this child and having to hold back so much of what you are feeling so they can warm up to you. We did bubbles, some crackers, looked for the toys we remembered being his favorites from several months earlier, all the while wanting to just crush him in our embrace and never let him go again.

What a dichotomy my day today has been- almost seeing double vision- as God brought into focus the way our hearts have melded together to become a family over the past year. Now he doesn't want me to leave him- wants to cuddle and read a book, or rock, or play games, or color, or play trucks, or his new favorite- BIG WAVE- where he runs across the room and knocks me down like the wave did when we were in St Croix.

I look over the pictures we have of him now- I look at the referral pictures, and I can almost tell by his expression what was going on with him at the time, since we've spent so much time together. I see the ones of us, hope plastered all over our faces, shining love so radiant for our son, looking so earnestly at his every expression to be sure we are giving him what he can handle and not too much too fast.

For any that live close and/or would like to come, we have planned to have Elisha dedicated in church on Sunday, March 15- at the 11 service. I'm keeping this pretty low key- but what better way to celebrate our first "Gotcha Day" than to give the glory back to the One who made it possible. I remember that 2 week period between seeing him again for the first time in soooo very long, and actually getting to leave with him seeming interminable at the time. I don't think the passing of time will be so any more. There are new discoveries and joys every day, and blessings are amazing, and the time just seems to fly.

Now, before any would think I am whitewashing this experience and keeping my rose colored glasses super glued on- Eli IS almost 3 years old. He is struggling to assert his independence in ways that drive his Mama and Papa crazy every day. But then come the easy times, as my friend Micki would say. The times when he runs up, throws his arms around me, hugs, kisses and says, "I lulu, Mama," that make my heart melt just a bit more and forget the frustration of the spoon he "accidentally" flipped sending food all over the place, or the full day of whining we had a week earlier. Or totally resting into my arms as we read a book together, or learn a new game or try a puzzle, or he helps me cook. These times are so amazing, they make all the struggles pale and sink to the bottom of the "love tank" we have been developing.

We walked over to get the mail today, and after chatting for a little bit with Aunt Paula and Mamaw and Papaw, were so pleasantly surprised to be invited for dinner. I was asked in passing conversation what I had done today. I was quite chagrined to say that I really hadn't done much of anything. My car apparently (hopefully not!!) blew up on Sat, so we are somewhat home bound now, and, other than bathing the dog, fixing meals and then cleaning up I really didn't do much. I was really feeling guilty about this, thinking there are so many other things I should be doing...

But as I sit here typing, I realize how much my mind has been busy doing. My split screen viewing is pretty exhausting, as I feel I am recalling and reliving many of those emotions from a year ago. I guess I did a lot today. I spent some amazing time with my sweet little boy!! So, my sweet baby boy, if Mama seems to have hugged you tighter, kissed you more or seemed a bit more teary eyed today- it's only because of this great love that God our Father has given to me for you. I am remembering the times I wondered if I would ever be able to express to you how much we love you- and how much God loves you- when I wondered if we would ever get a court date, ever be able to bring you home.

I sit with tears silently coursing down my face as I type now, thinking about your singing Jesus love me with me tonight as we cuddled and rocked before putting you down for bed. I almost couldn't finish singing, I got so choked up as I realized you are learning what love is.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing your love for us in so many amazing ways. The struggles and the wait we endured to bring this sweet blessing home seemed so arduous and never ending at the time, but now are hard to remember clearly. Thank you for placing me in a family growing up that gave me such a firm foundation in my love for you, and the examples my parents always were on how to live a Godly life. I'm learning to love You more each day as You show me what true love looks like- that of an adoptive parent for his child. I don't have the words to say thank you for adopting me into your family, claiming me as your own. All I can say is thank you, and try to live my life in a way that will make my Father proud.