Surrender

I have a fellow blogger, adoptive mom through the same agency that I love following her posts. She had such a difficult time with her adoption- the region and judge were very Anti-American- but she is such a bright star, shining for Jesus through it all.

She posted not long after she returned home with a post titled simple but not easy, easy but not simple. In it she talked about how in America it is Easy. We have everything we need and much more. Running, drinkable water. Family. Jobs. Etc. But it's not simple here. It is very complicated.

In Russia, everything was simple, but not easy. There was little we had to do. Little under our control, in the way of where we had to go and when. We didn't have to worry about jobs, expectations of family and friends, our volunteer postitions. No cell phones or fire alarms calling us away. But we had to forage out for food. We were stuck in a hotel room with a toddler as first time parents.

But we were together in a little cocoon- just the three of us. We only had to get by moment by moment, bonding together and getting to know each other a little more each day. We didn't have to worry about if he was bonded enough with us to forage out into the world on his own. We didn't have to be concerned about getting back into jobs.

For the type A personality I have developed over the years, this sense of loss of control could be almost disabling. Part of me deals with some anger that I have spent almost every free moment during the past 2 years reading every article and book I can find on adoption- how the children react, problems to look for, ways to enhance the "bonding" between parents and children, attended webinars on sensory perception disorders, etc, etc, etc. Now I know that many think I read too much- but I have been really praying about this. I feel that Tim as the head has the responsibility before God for our family and the spiritual attitude of the house- but I am equally responsible for the life of our son before God. I really feel that we are doing the best we can for our son- and I laugh as I consider my sister-in-laws words- you are the Mama. You get to say how your child is raised. Everyone else can give you advice- but you are the Mama and you have to raise your child as you feel God leading you to. Thanks, Tara.

So, all this to say- I keep trying to do it on my own. The theme through all the above is me, me, me. How I feel etc. What it needs to be is how is God leading me? What is God telling me through all this? So- we sang this song last week called Surrender that I already mentioned. I have been so thoroughly soaked in this song this week. Not all of it at one time- but the words and the melody have been breathing life back into my weary soul as I once again remind myself that God is in control and all I have to do is trust , spend time with Him and listen. Thank you God for speaking into my heart and reminding me to let it go and give it all to You. You've already solved all the problems that plague me and keep me awake at night. You are sooo in control. I love you!!

This is a little long ( AS IF....... but in computer world- and in blog world a little over 4 minutes seems like forever when you are in a hurry- but this is well worth it. If nothing else, let the music soak over you while you check your email.........)

Then, once you've listened to that, this song is amazing, too- a little more upbeat version than what I've heard from Kutlass before: